The Journey
is always a journey, but unlike any other journey you take in life this has an indeterminate starting point and no destination. All our journeys are different, we move at different paces, we have different goals, but there are a lot of similarities and we can all learn from each others experiences.
My journey began many years ago when I was very young, but at the time and for years after I had no idea I was on a journey at all. This crossdressing thing wouldn't go away and by the time I was in my 20's it hadn't progressed much beyond trying on dresses for a few snatched hours here and there. Then it seemed to stop, mostly because of work, family etc, I say seemed as I thought that was all behind me, I was wrong, very wrong. Now I won't bore you with all the details but when I recommenced my journey it took on a whole new purpose, this is when I started to let the female inside of me grow. Just why it occurred at this time in my life I don't know, but things do seem to happen for a reason. I began an intensive search into why I have such desires and who I really am. Many would suggest talking to councillor or a very trusted friend, I didn't have the closeness with a friend and didn't think I needed help, but perhaps I did. So if this is you right now, talk to someone it will help.
I think the turning point on anyones journey is learning to accept who you really are, that is not a simple thing to achieve especially if you don't know what you are in the first place. But understanding who you are, understanding that by accepting that your needs and desires are much more than something inside your head can be a big thing. The key here is acceptance, many of us, particularly the older generations, were brought up under what 'society' deemed was the correct way, our life is mapped out at birth, form the moment the midwife announces "you have a boy" you are set to live life in the way society dictates. Which is fine for most, but obviously not for me. I had a hard time dismantling the lifetime of having to conform with society's idea of how I should lead my life. This process took me some time, it's not something you can rush, you will get to the point where you accept yourself fully, but it will happen at it's own pace, when you are ready, and not before, your mind will come to terms with it all.
Once you have accepted your feminine self, inevitably the thoughts of transition will flow through your mind. Like many I have considered transition at length, but a note of caution, be careful to think about it and do not rush into this. When most think about transition, they think of medical transition, using hormones, surgery etc. But there is more to it than that, I believe before you can medically transition, or to be honest even consider such procedures you have to mentally transition. You have to allow your feminine side to blossom and engulf your male side, you have to allow the woman within you make her presence felt. You have to accept that you are female, at least within. The reason I am making a point of this is that you do not have to have medical intervention to transition. Many trans women do not go down the medical route and are very happy living their female lives in their own way. Happiness is the key here, medical intervention be it hormones or surgery will not make you happy, you need to be happy before you consider such action. If you are not happy, try to deal with that first. Being happy is not about how you physically look it's about who you are, that inner person, that female within you that drives you on, the inner feeling you get when you can breath as the woman you want to be..........
If you are not happy before starting medical intervention, what ever that may be, it is unlikely you will be happy after. Find the cause of your discomfort and deal with that first. Being happy is the most important thing, without happiness life is very hard for anyone, being unhappy when you are trans is even more difficult. Sadly too many girls that have transitioned have become unhappy, depressed or even worse, some with tragic consequences so you really do need to get this right. It might appear that I am against medical transition, ok it's not for me and I'll explain the reasoning behind that in a while, but I am certainly not against using medical intervention, be it hormones or surgery and I support and admire those that have chosen to go down that route. I just want to suggest you think it through very carefully, making the decision will affect your whole life, you can not afford to get it wrong.
I have chosen not to go down the medical intervention route and fully transition, for a number of reasons, first of all is the time it can take, a lady never reveals her age but you can rest assured I am not in the first flush of youth and although people older than me do embrace medical intervention, the time frame involved is just too long as far as I am concerned. I have looked at the various treatments, so lets start with hormones, ok they will put fat on your bottom and hips, but it won't move fat from your waistline, you have to deal with that, you may get breast growth, but in general an 'A' Cup is the best you can expect. You should see a reduction in facial and body hair and you may get a lower hair line, your skin will probably become softer and you will become more emotional, your sex drive will decrease and may well disappear completely. But, and this is a big but, medical supervision is vital, do not under any circumstances self medicate, if every thing works well thats fine, but, taking hormones if not monitored correctly can result in all sorts of medical problems including blood clots, I know of one person who had blood clots on her lungs, they can also damage your kidneys, I have met a lady that had to have one kidney removed and the other was damaged as a result of hormone use. This is serious, get it wrong and you could be seriously ill, or worse........... I looked at all this and thought what would hormones do for me? well it would seem very little, ok I might have more fat on my bottom and hips and I would still need to use breast forms to have my desired shape, discounting the negative things what is the upside for me? The thing is it won't make me happy and it won't make me more feminine because that is not controlled by hormones being introduced into my system that is controlled by the inner me. As for being more emotional, since letting my inner female blossom I have become much more emotional and seem to cry at the drop of a hat!
Turning now to surgery, we will start with breast augmentation, known by many as a 'boob job', as with hormones this is something that needs to be carefully explored, as much as I would love to have my own breasts, I am not certain enhancement would achieve my desired goal. I have seen some that do not look natural at all and the whole point is to have natural looking breasts. There are different types of surgery and you really need to research this to ensure you end up with what you were expecting, because once it's done, it's done and you can't go back. Breast implants do not last a life time and further surgery may be needed in as little as 10 years. There are also other risks to consider, the NHS has a very informative page here:
Breast enlargement (implants) - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
One last thing, in the UK breast enhancement is not available on the NHS so a considerable cost is involved plus any additional after care that may be necessary, so that must be taken into account when considering surgery. My decision was not to go for surgery, there are just too many risks as far as I am concerned, having said that, I would support anyone that choose to go down this route and I know a number of ladies that have had successful surgery and are very happy with the result.
We now turn to bottom surgery or Gender Reassignment, I wont go into all the details or the possible downsides, there is plenty of information out there, a very good book offering sensible advice was published a number of years ago but is still available through on line auction sites : "The Transgender Companion (Male to Female)" By Jennifer Seeley. Again this is major surgery and needs to be considered very carefully, my decision is not to pursue it, but again many others have had very had a very successful result, it's just not for me.
The question I have considered in all these possible options is; "Will it (hormones or surgery) make me happy?" The answer is no, without a doubt with the right person these interventions will enhance that person's life, but it will not make you happy. Being happy comes from inside, when I finally accepted I was female, had always had been and allowed my feminine side blossom I began to feel much happier, in fact happier than I have done in my entire life. So accept the woman within you, allow her to grow and be happy. One last point, this can be a very long journey, enjoy it, do not wait until you achieve some goal, passing, going out or even buying your first makeup enjoy every little step, every minute of this fabulous journey. We are very lucky to be able to able to do this, it is something very special, make sure you enjoy it, every step of the way.............
If you wish to discuss any points I have raised or talk about your experiences I would be very pleased to hear from you.....
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