The Curse Of The Crossdresser
When I started crossdressing as a young boy I was just enjoying myself, I had no idea what I was doing or indeed why. Apart from the risk of getting caught, there was very little that I had concerns about. But as I grew older the crossdressing started to become a problem, no matter how hard I tried, it would just not go away. Then for various reasons I didn't crossdress for about twenty years, I had left that part of my life behind, crossdressing was just one of those things I did a youngster, just one of those thing you do as you grow up.
Then it came back, stronger than ever, at first I enjoyed the thrill of it all again, but this was not right, this is not something a man of my age should be doing. I tried to convince myself I was just being stupid and should grow up! This is when it became a curse, the urge would come, I would give in and then feel guilty and annoyed with myself for giving in to this curse. I purged a couple of times, determined to rid myself of this terrible urge. At this point it really was a curse, why had I been saddled with this dreadful habit? What had I done to deserve this? Life was particularly tough and stressful at the time, so on top of dealing with personal, work and family problems I had to put up with these urges. Urges that were so strong at times it was difficult to concentrate.
It seemed that the harder I tried to resist these inner urges, the stronger they became, I fought it again and again and they just grew stronger. Over the years that this continued, I would battle it, convince myself I had finally won the battle only to discover it wouldn't give up that easily. As you can imagine this was a hard time for me, I had no support, in fairness I wasn't looking for any, I thought I would win the battle against this terrible curse.Then I started to research just why men crossdress and it was just as if someone had turned the light on, all of a sudden it all started to make sense. That was the beginning of my acceptance, something that went on for several years. But eventually once I had accepted that crossdressing is part of who I am, I realised that far from being a curse, crossdressing was a valuable asset.
I think self acceptance and overcoming our internalised transphobia is one of the hardest things about being who we are.
ReplyDeleteTo do so alone is incredibly difficult and I think there are many barriers a person needs to climb over to get to a good place. I think it's easier when you have support. Perhaps at home, via friends, or through a social group
You are of course 100% right Lynn, it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am, it would have been much easier if I had support at the time. So to anybody reading this who is just getting to grips with acceptance, seek some support, as Lynn says at home, from friends or through a social group.
DeleteThanks for this Andrea, fascinating. I have read others who really think it is a curse and I am sure some who would see it being a blessing. However, for you it is ‘a valuable asset’ - would love you to unpack that.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that the vital element is acceptance. We never chose or asked for it but yet it was just there. It is fundamentally personal and very much a part of us and as such should not be harmful to others. We have no idea why and neither does anyone else but yet we know the powerful urge and the comfort just being us brings. We learn for ourselves that while it waxes and wanes, ultimately it never seems to leave and for all sorts of reasons may get more prominent with age.
It eventually dawned that it is just a part of me, whether it liked or wanted it or not is irrelevant, it is just there. I could fight it, we surely all do as it is so odd but it ain’t going anywhere, neither are we so just accept and live with it. We are not mentally ill. It is not a disease. It need not do us or others any harm. It is part of life.
Interesting that you used the ‘curse’ since for those with a uterus from menarche to menopause (why do ‘men’ preface both words?!) do experience a monthly 'curse'. For most. there is precious little they can do and have to live with it. So maybe we are indeed ‘cursed’, lol.
Love Linda
Thank you Linda for your comments. I use the term 'valuable asset' to describe what accepting that I am a crossdresser means for me. When dressed, even for just an hour I feel an overwhelming sense of calm, happiness and wellbeing. A feeling I don't get in such intensity form any other aspect of my life. So what I once thought of as a curse, is indeed an asset that helps me through life............
DeleteLife throws all sorts of difficulties in our path and for the greater part we just have to get on with it, I know many women suffer deeply, although I will never have to go through a period, perhaps my feminine side allows me to appreciate that this can be very difficult for many women and could be regarded as a curse. But, if you can have a positive outlook when anything difficult or uncomfortable comes along it will help you enormously. And no I don't know what menarche an menopause are prefixed with 'men' as it's the last thing men would want to go through!
I totally agree in the relaxing and calming feeling in the entire body when dressing . To me its simply the best tranquilizer. Im blessed with aGF who don't mind and even sometimes brings me smal gift like a pair of tights og a lipstick.
DeleteMy valuable asset connected with my crosdressing is exactly the same, this incredible relaxing and calming effect I feel in my entire body when crossdressing
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe is very similar to my own experiences.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to pick up this thread from the word "curse". I definitely saw who I am as a curse. I was a sensitive boy, who wanted above all to be liked by everyone, but instead was roundly rejected by other boys because I just couldn't be like them. I hated boy things like football; it seemed completely alien to me. As a result, I was lonely, and bullied.
As an adolescent, I was incredibly attracted to girls from a very young age (and I still have an eye for the ladies), but I couldn't understand why my yearnings were not for sports or fast cars but instead for cute dresses and shoes. There was a school uniform at my school, and I wished I could wear the girl's uniform, with the skirt.
My family (who were good and kind people) were puzzled. They tried to reassure me that I would get to like boy things if I worked at it--so I tried, and you know what? It didn't work! But I persevered anyway.
As an adult, I purged several times, determined to rid myself of this ridiculous femininity. But that never worked, and of course I threw out lots of treasured items.
Ultimately cross-dressing was one of the things which cost me my marriage.
So for much of my life, yes, it was a curse. It has caused me a tremendous amount of unhappiness and internal conflict. I wished it away. I prayed for it to go away. It never did.
As Lynne Jones points out above, my internalised transphobia is still quite strong, but getting weaker all the time, as I gradually come out more and more and I meet with more and more acceptance and validation.
I've also come to realise that my sensitivity and my nurturing side are not a curse; they are a very valuable part of who I am as a person, and I can use them to good effect in my job.
I am pleased that I have reached a place where I can express my fem side much more freely (but still not completely freely) without feeling stigmatised, and met some lovely people who think it's not only acceptable but actually quite lovely.
Can I also say how jealous I am of your legs in that photo?
Could we connect on Facebook?
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DeleteHi Vivienne
DeleteYes our experiences are very similar, growing up has been tough for both of us and of course for a lot of other people as well. Coming to terms with who we really are is the key I think, which is very difficult if you don't have people around you that are providing the support you need. However in coming to terms with it, you have to fight a long and hard battle, which on your own (as in my case) was very difficult indeed. During that time many false avenues were explored, including purging several times, all of which proved fruitless, but I managed to get there in the end........... Still, like you not able to spend as much of my time inhabiting my female side as I would like, but now fully accepting that I do have a very strong feminine side and it is that which makes me the whole person I am today. I don't suppose the journey will ever end, but I am certainly now proud of the person I have become. I hope you are as well.............
Just a brief note from a GG (as I think I'm known!) on a subject I know little or nothing about :- so what if it is at first a curse if you can turn it into a blessing?
ReplyDeleteThank you Emma, yes many would refer to you as a GG! The thing is until I came to accept who I was I spent years feeding the urges and desires, at the same time hating myself for doing so simply because I didn't understand who I really was. This can go on for years, some never get past it and live with something they don't understand that they can not get rid of. At that point it really is a curse. However if you manage to accept the whole of yourself and understand just why you do what you do, it becomes a blessing. Where I am now I can honestly say my life it a thousand times better than it was because I have accepted and embraced my femininity............
DeletePrecisely!
DeleteThanks..........xx
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