Purging And Acceptance

After a long period of not crossdressing at all the urge began to come back. I have no idea why this was but it just reappeared in my life. I couldn't understand how I could suddenly regain the desire to dress in women's clothes, to be honest, I thought that part of me had gone, I thought I was 'cured'!

Fat chance, not only did the urge return but it was stronger than ever. I bought some underwear played around with it for a few months then decided I was being stupid and threw it all away. This turned out to be the first 'purge' I mistakenly thought that would be the end of it, of course it was not, far from it! The urge grew again, and again I bought some more clothes, this time supplemented with a wig, breast forms and shoes. I purged again, everything went, heavens knows how much it all cost, but out it went. I tried to convince my self that I was being stupid and I should grow up! 

When the urge came back, yet again, I started to research why men crossdress, once I got past the porn and silliness there is on the web, I discovered that I was not alone and, as I have discussed in earlier posts, crossdressing is part of who I am, wether I like it or not. This was not an easy time, I didn't have the strength to seek help, I just worked through it on my own. Not only did this take me quite a long time but it also frightened me to some degree. I was discovering that I was, perhaps, not the person I thought I was. Just calling myself a 'crossdresser' was hard, it seems silly now, but I had a hard time accepting that I am in fact a crossdresser. However, more was to come, because that meant, in the dictionary definition at least, I was a transvestite. This took me a long time to come to terms with, I was a 'tranny' just saying it to myself was difficult, but eventually I managed to get my head around it. The problem now was, by being a 'tranny' I was to some extent at least, transgender, and I didn't really know what that meant for me, in fact I still don't as my journey is far from over. 

Coming to terms with all this was part of me accepting the real me. For the first time in my life I was able to understand who I really am, and that being a crossdresser is an important part of the 'whole' me. I wouldn't be the person I am if it were not for the feminine part of my makeup. At last I had stopped fighting my inner self and and starting to understand that crossdressing was not the curse I had believed it to be for so many years. It was in fact a blessing, and as my acceptance grew then so has my feminine side.